


If Leaving Me Is Easy

by IcarusTwin



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 12:57:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8162744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcarusTwin/pseuds/IcarusTwin
Summary: You can't leave without a leaving party, you cant go without saying goodbye.
Bernie goes back to Afghanistan on secondment.  Heartbreakingly Angsty Angst with a few specks of fluff.





	1. Leaving

Bernie Wolfe walked up to the office door and opened it slowly. Serena Campbell was intently working at her computer but instinctively knew it was Bernie and from her quiet demeanour knew she was about to launch into something difficult.

“Serena, I need to talk to you about something.” 

Serena’s heart skipped a beat as it always did when Bernie started one of these conversations hoping that maybe this was the one where she would finally say what Serena was longing to hear.

“Go on, I’m all ears” Serena replied trying to sound as nonchalant as possible but avoiding Bernie’s eyes lest she give herself away again.

“This is really difficult, please believe me I have thought long and hard about it, I know you won’t want to hear this, but …”

Serena looked up and stared intently at her colleague, shaking inside as she waited for what she hoped was going to be the declaration that would finally move them both onto the same page.

“Come on, don’t be shy, spit it out woman” she joked trying to flirt with Bernie. 

“ … I’m going back to Afghanistan. I have been asked to return and finish off setting up the Trauma…”

“What! No, no you can’t be …” Serena exclaimed in horror. “ Please tell me you are not serious?”

“… Unit for civilians at the main treatment centre…” Bernie tailed off as she heard Serena exhale and saw the look of sheer shock and creeping terror in her eyes.

“You are just going to up and leave after all we have done here to get this Trauma Unit up and running, after all the support the team have given, you are going to leave us, leave me and just run back to Kabul or Kathmandu … Kandahar or wherever it is “Serena was almost screeching at her now as the angry knot in her stomach made her shake and she had to hold back the stinging hurt tears that were threatening to flood out.

Bernie couldn’t look at her, she knew this would be hard, even though she had tried to call a halt on things after kissing Serena she still had a bucketful of unrequited feelings for the woman and couldn’t work out what she should do about it, getting away seemed like her chance to put some distance between her and the beautiful but utterly confusing woman.

“I … I’m sorry, I do appreciate everything everyone here has done to make it work but I have an opportunity to go and finish what I started out there and …”

Serena couldn’t look at her. “What about everything we… you started here. Doesn’t that mean anything to you…?” she said quietly.

“Of course it does, it means more than you will ever know, but right now I need to do this, I made a promise and they have asked me to go back and …”  
Serena covered her face as she tried to hide the tears that were now streaming down her cheeks. 

“Serena, I am so sorry, please don’t do this, it’s only for up to 3 months. I have cleared it with Hanssen and he has given …”

“Oh that’s great” Serena snapped, “You’ve already spoken to Hanssen? Without talking to me first – I would have appreciated some honesty given all we have … been through together “  
Bernie was taken aback at just how angry and upset Serena was and walked over to her desk and pulled over a chair to sit next to her.

“I… I knew you would talk me out of it if I did, so I wanted to be sure that Hanssen would hold open my job here, I have every intention of coming back here. I just need to go back and tie up all the loose ends” 

Serena was silent. She couldn’t speak for the stifled sobs she was trying to hold back. 

Bernie wanted to reach out for her and tell her it would be okay, it was temporary and she would be back, it would give them both some space to … to do what she wasn’t sure, but she couldn’t carry on as they were doing, wanting Serena as much as she did and keeping her distance all the time . 

“I will be back, I promise you”

Serena couldn’t look at her as she said quietly “what like last time, or worse, in a body bag” 

“No, no It won’t happen again, it’s a UN not a military post, it’s a Red Cross collaboration so much safer , not out in the field and its helping civilians, mostly children and women …”

“They blow up hospitals don’t they?” Serena said flatly.

Bernie looked at the floor and stood up before resting her hand on Serena’s shoulder 

“I will be back.” 

Serena shrugged away from the touch, and shook her head “Don’t, please. If you want to go then just go”

Bernie turned away and walked out of the office, she couldn’t look back at Serena , couldn’t bear to see her so distressed, didn’t want Serena to see that she was falling apart and wanted nothing more than to fall into her arms and cry like a lost child.


	2. Chapter 2

One week later and the AAU was preparing for Bernie Wolfe’s leaving ‘do’. 

Food ordered, cards signed, gifts wrapped, Hanssen present. 

Serena had asked him to come down and do the formal leaving speeches. She couldn’t bear to do it; she feared she wouldn’t manage to get through it. Hanssen had been sympathetic, infuriatingly enigmatic and cryptically prescient when she had spoken to him. She had composed herself enough to ‘discuss the implications’ on AAU staffing, no she didn’t want a Locum, she would prefer a temporary secondment of someone she trusted, someone who would go once – if – when- Bernie Wolfe came back. 

Hanssen was in agreement. He reminded her of Bernie’s arrival, he wondered if she needed to go back for closure, or to deal with the undoubted psychological trauma she must have suffered when the IED had blown her world apart. He studied Serena’s face before musing

“Sometimes we have to let something go to really see what it means to us. We have to let people go, if they return then we know, they know. That is surely the greatest challenge of love “

Serena didn’t need a lesson in lõeve from the icy Swede but she suspected he knew more about it than he was letting on.

The last day came and passed without any great medical drama. Serena and Bernie spent most of it simultaneously avoiding and trying to spend as much time as possible in the same space, both desperate to find some excuse to get the other alone yet both terrified that they wouldn’t be able to control the emotions they were holding back. Serena was tight lipped, short with everyone, snappy with anyone who dared to ask her a question. Bernie was uptight, tense and pale as a ghost and as dead in her tone, distracted and detached from everything yet intensely aware of every movement and sound of the woman she was desperately avoiding. 

The team gathered outside the Trauma bay, exactly as they had when Hanssen had opened it just 4 months ago. Serena watched from inside their - her - office, stealing herself for the moment she had been dreading all week. Bernie reluctantly stood near Hanssen, typically she didn’t want a fuss, she just wanted to slip away and avoid all the emotional fallout. Well that wasn’t strictly true, she really wanted to go into the office, enfold Serena, tell her it would be okay and then give her the longest kiss goodbye that would take away the hurt in those beautiful dark chocolate eyes. But she wasn’t brave enough, so waited as Serena joined them, standing at the other side of Hanssen, clasping her hands anxiously and preoccupied by a stain on the floor. 

“Ms Wolfe has only been here a short while, but in that time she has made a deep impression on all here at Holby, not least in AAU , and on behalf of everyone I would personally like to thank her for all her hard work in setting up and making a success of the Trauma Unit here. It is because of this that I believe Ms Wolfe will be making a significant difference to the lives of people in Kabul and I want to wish her every success on this short secondment back to Afghanistan. I’m sure you will all join me in wishing Ms - Major - Wolfe … a successful and safe journey and look forward to seeing her swift return back into the warm welcoming bosom of Ms Campbell’s AAU family. Godspeed Major Wolfe”

“Ms Campbell would you like to add anything?” Hanssen glanced at her and she was examining her knuckles as she clasped her fingers tightly. “Err Yes, Of course. I… “ 

Bernie jumped in “Thank you Mr Hanssen, can I just say something?” as she desperately wanted to rescue Serena from the torture she had unwittingly condemned her to. “Of course. Ms Wolfe …”

“I … um ... I want to say to say thank you to everyone here, you have all been incredibly supportive and as fine a team as I have ever had the honour to work with, and I have learned so much from every one of you about compassion, patience and humility , perhaps not qualities I had when came here . You are all as brave and committed as any soldier I have had the honour to serve alongside and it has been a privilege to serve alongside you all here on the NHS frontline.

I also want to pay tribute to our leader here, Ms Campbell. Serena… you are the most fantastic and fearless woman I have ever had the pleasure to work alongside and I want to thank you for your unconditional and at times unbelievable support.” Bernie bit her lower lip slightly as she watched Serena shifting awkwardly trying not to make too much eye contact with her – Bernie thought – well might as well be hung for a sheep as lamb – in for the kill – here goes! “I know I have been a very difficult colleague, but under your guidance, your unwavering support, I have learned so much from you, from your kindness, your compassion, your wisdom, your patience and your undeniable … serenity. As Mr Hanssen said, AAU is a little family, and you Serena are very much at the heart of that and I will miss working here with all of you, especially you Serena, and I will look forward to returning here to what I have come to think of as my home Port “   
I hope I can take some of what you have taught me and use it help to improve the lives of the people in Kabul. If I can be half the Doctor you are then, well I will be at least a half decent one!“ She joked.

"Thank you, now please, enough let’s all go and enjoy the spread in the mess, or staff room as you like to call it."

The team broke up and headed to the buffet, Hanssen headed for Bernie and Serena hovered behind him nodding and smiling professionally as he said a more personal farewell . “We will all miss you Ms Wolfe, as I said you have made a deep impression on the heart of our little family here” as he glanced at Serena who was concentrating on extracting a mini sausage roll with surgical precision, from the middle of a messy accident on a plate of savoury snacks. 

“Oh yes Henrik, absolutely agree, Bernie has been a revelation for us dyed-in-the wool NHS types with her Macho Army Medic approach but we have somehow managed to forge an undeniably successful working relationship in theatre despite my initial reservations about her intentions“ 

Serena surprised herself with the tartness of her words and Bernie let out a small nervous laugh as Hanssen raised a rather quizzical eyebrow in their direction. “ Ladies, I shall leave you to your farewells as you obviously have much to discuss. Good Luck and Godspeed Major Wolfe”

“Thank You Mr Hanssen, thank you for your support in letting me take up this secondment.“ He nodded at both of them and quietly slipped away from AAU.

Serena looked up at Bernie and gave her one of her hurt and angry glares, before returning her attention to the remains of the mini sausage roll. 

Bernie looked at the wall and quietly said “Serena, can we talk before I go, I don’t want to leave things on a bad note.” Serena avoided looking at her and mumbled “Can’t really say no, can I?” 

Bernie winced, Serena had once mentioned her ability to hold a grudge, “At the end of the shift then, our, I mean your, office?” Serena exhaled, and nodded, and walked away leaving Bernie in no doubt of how much she had meant it about the grudge.


	3. Chapter 3

At 6.30 pm the majority of the day team had left apart from Dr Copeland, who had accepted the offer of the secondment after a little personal persuasion from Serena. Bernie was hovering around the Trauma bay and waiting until the team had gone before heading to the office where Serena had remained buried behind a wall of patient notes since they had last spoken. Unbeknown to Bernie, she could see out from behind the files and was constantly glancing up at the door as she waited for her to come in and administer Last Offices on her dying hopes.

Bernie took a deep breath and strode toward the office door, before uncharacteristically knocking and waiting for Serena to look up “Oh come in for God’s sake Bernie, you don’t need to knock it’s still ou… your … office too!’ 

“Sorry. I…I didn’t want to disturb you. If you are busy I could come…” “No, come on, let’s get this over with” Serena sounded resigned. 

Dominic Copeland looked up from the nurses’ station when he heard the voices and peered into the office and watched as the two women tried to negotiate the No-Man’s Land between them, until the blinds were suddenly shut tightly. He sighed dramatically and carried on pretending to look at X-rays on the computer.

“Serena, I want to say goodbye to you properly, not just walk away and leave all these bad feelings between us, I want to try to explain …”

“Bad feelings? I’m not harbouring any bad feelings; I don’t know what has given you that idea. I just…”

“Earlier, you said … well you said things that were…”

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have. This isn’t easy for me - you do realise don’t you?” 

“Yes. That’s why I want to be sure you understand why I have to do this” 

“Have to? Can’t see anyone holding a gun to your head” Serena sniped at her, before realising that the image was not one she wanted to consider. “I’m sorry now, that was crass of me” 

“Harsh, but fair” Bernie tried to defuse the tension “I probably deserve both barrels “

Serena’s face creased as she detected that Bernie was probably only half joking, she was terrified about what might happen to her over there and the reminder that she could be in mortal danger only fuelled the anger she felt at Bernie choosing to do this. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Bernie, the face she loved to study, the darting eyes she loved to fix with a smouldering gaze over their bloody acts of surgery, where they both felt in control and knew exactly how to relate to each other’s every delicate move. “Bernie please don’t joke about it, it terrifies me that you will be in danger every day you are out there, I don’t want to think about the possibility that you could be hurt, or worse. You haven’t got nine lives, you’ve already survived once. I don’t want to go to another funeral for a long time, especially yours” as the tears started to well up behind the files.

Bernie moved over to the desk and stood behind her and rested her hand on Serena’s shoulder to try to reassure her. “It won’t happen, I will be nowhere near the conflict this time, I promise you, I’m coming back , here, to Holby, the Trauma Unit, AAU … you!”

Serena was struggling to hold back the emotion “you can’t promise any of that, you can’t foresee what will happen, none of us can. Think back to what happened right here in AAU to Fletch only weeks ago” 

“Exactly, so we’re not safe anywhere, you could be attacked by a crazed screwdriver wielding patient right here” 

Bernie regretted it as soon as she said it, Fletch was still recovering and the traumatic night was where it had all unravelled when she had kissed Serena and Serena had kissed her back. She still really didn’t understand how everything had all gone SNAFU and wished she could have turned back the clock to the minute before she had leaned towards Serena and brushed her mouth with her lips. 

No she didn’t. It was the best thing she had felt in a long time, it had resuscitated her cold dead shattered heart and made it beat powerfully again, made the blood surge through her veins to the places she hadn’t dared try to remember and made her feel more alive than she had since she had exploded back to the UK. Serena had given her the kiss of life and she needed it to survive, without the certainty that she would ever do it again, Bernie had felt suffocated by the need and had to get away to find some way to breathe again. Running away to the wide open spaces of Afghanistan would be her rehab, she hoped she might recover out there enough to be able to return and let her friendship with Serena return to its previous regular safe rhythm.   
Either that or she might get blown to smithereens, but that would be preferable to the pain in her heart right now.

Bernie swallowed the emotions welling up inside her throat, pushing down the breaths and suppressing the tears by blinking furiously at the blank screen Serena was intently staring at. Bernie trembled at the effort and put her hand over Serena’s balled up fist and tried to loosen the grip she had on the dormant mouse. 

“Don’t please” Serena whispered hoarsely. “Serena…” Bernie pleaded thinking please don’t do this to me now I need one of us to be strong and it’s not me. Serena, stubborn as ever, resolutely refused to loosen her grip on the innocent mouse, as Bernie grasped around her fingers even more until her knuckles were white. 

“Serena … I… I… lo...” Bernie tried to find the words but Serena got the first blow. “Stop. Please. I don’t want you go but you are going regardless. I get why you need to go but I don’t understand why you want to go, why you are choosing to go. If you really… well if you really wanted to be here you would have said no and stayed here and … “ her voiced tailed off as the tears ran down her face , stinging her cheeks and dropping onto the paperwork on the desk.

Bernie ran her hand across Serena’s cheek and felt the hot salty dampness and sighed before losing control of her own well of tears. She didn’t cry easily, she was the strong stoical one, the one who bottled up and bolted down her emotions but this was too much for even her to contain. She was more vulnerable with Serena than she ever felt in her whole life and it petrified her, she wanted to swim naked in all of these deep swirling emotional waters with this beautiful warm sentient woman who was sitting in front of her, but she was too scared to take the leap for fear that she would drown and Serena wouldn’t see that she needed her to be there to bring her back to life if she did.

Bernie stiffened up and pulled Serena closer to her, wrapped her arms strongly around the now sobbing woman in front of her, and buried her face into her hair, and the scent of her hair, her perfume, the smell of her skin filled Bernie’s nostrils and she inhaled deeper to fill her brain cells with the memory of the scent of this woman. Serena was trembling now, her vulnerability making Bernie’s heart ache with a longing to protect her from anything that could cause her so much grief. 

“Ber…” “Shhh. I’m here, I’ve got you” Bernie whispered into Serena’s hair as she rubbed her face across the top of her head, “Come here” as she lifted Serena up from the chair and around to face her. She looked at the woman now standing before her, her face was a mess of all the emotions she had been avoiding all day, all week, and Bernie felt the pain she felt every time Serena punished her with those deeply expressive soulful eyes. “I love your eyes, they are so incredibly beautiful, I want to lose myself in them every time I look at you but it scares me so much” Bernie shocked herself at this confession and Serena blinked as if she hadn’t quite heard it correctly . 

“You got me, guilty as charged, take me out and shoot me at dawn.” Bernie tried to make a joke of her admission, “I’m running away from your beautiful eyes because they terrify me, well what might be in them terrifies me, I can’t bear to see you tormented like you have been since I … we … since that night.”

Serena shook her head. “You idiot, you still don’t get it do you. You are blind Bernie, blind to everything but what you want to believe” as she struggled to protect herself from the nuclear heat that Bernie had left in her since that night. “But you are still going,”

“I have to, this is all too much, I need to go and lay the ghosts before I am any use to anyone. My mind has been a mess, I just need to go and see what happened and draw a line. Get closure on that part of my life, before I can move on and make a fresh start. If I don’t I will always have it in the back of my mind and I’m scared that I’ll never stop wanting to run away from the nightmares. I have bad dreams every night, as I fall asleep I’m blown up again and I can’t move. I can’t share that with anyone, that terror, it’s too embarrassing.” 

“You just have. Can’t you see a therapist, doesn’t the Army offer support? I’m sure we could sort something out here”

“No. I have to face it. The fear. Otherwise my courage is gone and I’ll never be able to do anything that scares me and I will just shut down all my feelings and I don’t want to do that, I want to be able to feel everything again. Going back makes me face my worst fears, and if I can do that I can do anything. Can you understand that?”

Bernie had said more in a few minutes than the six months she had known Serena and felt horribly exposed and wished she hadn’t confessed but that was what this woman made her want to do. 

Serena placed her hand on Bernie’s face and tenderly stroked her cheek, “Oh Bernie, I wish you had told me all this before, don’t you think I could understand what you went through, are still going through? Just because I wasn’t there, doesn’t mean I can’t listen, don’t want to help you. I’ve wondered for a while, thought you came back to work too quickly and with everything you have lost – the Army, your identity, your marriage and family, your friend …”

“Lover. Alex was my lover. We were lovers, not just friends. I’m gay, a lesbian. I’m not ashamed of it. I’m just sorry I didn’t have the courage to be honest about it. Before I caused all the hurt to people I loved, still love…” 

“Look I understand, I’m not shocked by it, I wasn’t, it was just that you didn’t trust me enough to be honest with me and I had been open with you. And no, I’m not ashamed either, it just takes time to get used to all these new feelings and figure out how it works. It’s so complicated! “ 

Bernie looked at her quizzically, “so we can still be friends? You have been the best friend I have ever had and I don’t want to lose that just for the sake of a kiss”

“Is that what you want? I mean is that what this is all about; you think you have ruined our friendship?” Serena exasperated as Bernie tied her up in knots again and left her even more confused about what it was she wanted. 

“No. I mean yes, it is, I need you and I don’t want to lose you and if that is what it takes then I’d rather it was that, than you feel terrified of me, afraid that I’m going to jump on you every time we’re alone or afraid to go for a drink with me in case I make a pass at you in public or something or that people start thinking that you are, we are, together and the rumour mill …” tumbled out of Bernie’s racing mouth and she tied herself up in knots trying to ignore the feeling she was denying “starts and you get tarred by association . You deserve better than that. You deserve somewhat better than me.” She sighed and looked down at the floor. 

There she had said it finally, she couldn’t really believe that someone like Serena Campbell, Consultant Surgeon, Harvard alumni, former Deputy CEO and the most fantastic and beautiful woman she had ever set eyes on could consider a mess like her worthy. She was maybe the best Trauma Surgeon in the British Army, but that was past tense now, and there were plenty of other Trauma Surgeons in the NHS. Her life outside of theatre was a mess, she was virtually broke, No Fixed Abode and her family in tatters. She had no social circle, no life outside of work and very little to offer someone of the status and sophistication of Serena Campbell. She didn’t even think she was that good a friend, she never really had them, work had always been her thing and Army life suited her because it was self -contained, and she had found hospital life similar – if there had been a Doctors Accommodation block on site she would have been happy just to stay there permanently. And to cap it all she just kept expecting Serena to laugh at her and say something like “Want you? And your awful hair!” 

Anyone with a basic understanding of psychology would recognise that her confidence and self -esteem were shot to pieces and she was probably depressed, she was a shadow of the brash and bolshie Major Wolfe who had stormed Holby, and had certainly lost her sparkle over the weeks, maybe since the IED – it was highly likely that she had at least a touch of PTSD. Serena had often worried about it privately, but didn’t want to pry too much as Bernie could be incredibly closed off when she felt someone was getting too close and Serena was desperate not to be pushed away.


	4. Chapter 4

“Anyway, I got you this, a little going away present. “ Serena said trying to bring them back into the present as she handed Bernie a gift bag, “it’s just a few things to remind you of me …us, I mean all of us here”

“You shouldn’t have.” Bernie looked embarrassed as she took the bag. 

“Don’t open it now, save it” Serena said as she avoided Bernie’s eyes. 

“I will, I’ll open it on the way, will break up the monotony of the flight”

“I have something for you, just to say thank you for everything you have done for me. You know I do appreciate it, I really do appreciate you…” she tried not to look at Serena because she knew she couldn’t bear to see how much this was hurting.

“When do you fly?”

“Midnight tonight, car picking me up at 10pm …”

“Ah, better let you go then…”

“Yes, I suppose…”

Bernie looked at Serena who met her gaze with a sad longing look, and she moved towards her reaching out her hand, Serena resisted at first then took her hand half shaking half holding it, before Bernie moved forward and wrapped her arms around Serena and held her tightly. 

Neither of them could speak, just holding back the emotions and breathing hard to stop the flood that threatened to engulf them. 

Serena broke away first, as Bernie broke the silence, “Better go then” as she placed two of her fingers to her lips and pressed them on to Serena’s gesturing her to silence. “I will be back. That is if you want me to …” Serena grasped the fingers, pressed them hard to her mouth and kissed them before placing them on Bernie’s lips” “Yes…of course I do”.

Bernie walked to the door, and as she left she glanced back and gazed at Serena who was standing staring at her, they held the gaze for a moment before Bernie put her head down and left the office.

On the way she saw Dom at the nurses’ station. “Bye Ms. Wolfe, good luck, and thanks for everything”

“Dr… Dom will you do something for me.” “Er yes..?” “Will you take care of Ms.Ca…Serena…for me? , just keep an eye on her. If she needs anything..."

Dom nodded, surprised, “erm yes of course but I’m not sure I will be much use.” 

“Oh don’t you underestimate yourself Dom, you can be very helpful sometimes” she smiled at him, as she headed towards the door and left the department and walked away into the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Started before "Freezer" and Autumn trailers and going back to Afghanistan seemed more likely option. Hopefully more to come out of it


End file.
